Asking Good Questions
Two summers ago, while sitting next to the ocean at Carlsbad State Beach I was able to read the book, The Little Prince, by Antoine De Saint-Exupery. In the book's pages the little prince laments that grownups are difficult people to understand because if you come home and say that you have made a new friend, the grownups ask unimportant questions that have to do with facts and figures:
How old is he?
How many siblings does he have?
Have much does he weigh?
How much does his father make?
But they neglect the more important questions:
What does his voice sound like?
Does he collect butterflies?
What games does he like to play?
The little prince sadly concludes, "Only from these figures do they think they have learned anything about him." I had to laugh because I know that I have asked my share of facts and figures questions but have neglected ones that are deeper and more meaningful.
Chitchat and surface talk is easy, but leaves us feeling unsatisfied. Have you ever attended a social gathering at church, at school, or for your job and gone home feeling like you never really talked to anyone although you spoke to many people?
"How are you?" "It's sure hot out, isn't it?" "Did you see the game last night?" "Cute outfit; where did you buy it?"
You came home not knowing anybody better, because talk remained on a superficial level.
In the book, Getting Beyond "How are You?", authors David Mains and Melissa Mains Timberlake write that so much of our life is filled up with small talk because it is nonthreatening, entertaining and requires little communication skills. But "wouldn't it be tragic. . . to live your whole life only to realize it's been filled primarily with meaningless chatter?" The authors believe it is worth cultivating the simple skill of asking good questions.
Simple? I don't think this is a simple skill at all, or more of us would be good at it. Social settings involving strangers are difficult for me and I think many of you would agree. I am comfortable with family and friends, but around strangers I develop a brain freeze similar to when I gulp an Icee too quickly - and it is about that painful. I am quickly looking around for the exit door, wondering when I can make my escape.
As a wife of a community leader, I often attend events in which I know very few people. Too often I resort to awkward chit-chat about the cheese appetizers or the weather. I admit it. I need help. I need more practice in asking good questions. Who knows, maybe I will be fortunate and make a new friend. Maybe I will find somebody who collects butterflies.
Do you have a suggestion for a good question?