Keys to Listening to a Sickness Story
keys-listening-sickness-story
From the book "There is No Good Card for This" by Kelsey Crowe and Emily McDowell, a book I HIGHLY recommend as a practical guide for care and empathy.
Receiving a cancer diagnosis is challenging. Finding the words to stutter out a new chapter in your story is also difficult. In our culture of fitness and wellness, what important things does a sick person have to say? Are there keys to communicating your sickness story so people will listen? I believe there are. Today we are going to flip the conversation to look at the keys to LISTENING to someone's sickness story.
We've all had it happen to us.
A friend tells us some bad news:
"The doctor says I have breast cancer."
"The cancer has metastasized to my bones."
"They want to switch to a different type of chemo. This one isn't working."
Our friend's words spill out in a tumble and a mess as they stutter out the sentences of life suddenly turned upside down. Their words don't always make sense and they can't seem to tell the story properly with three points and a happy conclusion. They talk about "and then this happened and then this happened."
Everything is mayhem and panic, until all of a sudden...our friend's words run out. In that sudden silence that follows, we find ourselves paralyzed to know what to do. What to say. How to react.
The one thought pressing on our brains is that we need to say or do SOMETHING,
so we open up our mouths and find ourselves responding several ways to our friend's story:
(We are going to go with a friend's new breast cancer diagnosis as an example).
We offer fix-it advice.
It is uncomfortable to hear the unfinished business of our friend's chaos storytelling, so we tell her she can beat cancer by eating kale six times a day. Or by trying another doctor. Or by using acupuncture.
This is an example of switching the conversation to Take Back Storytelling where sickness is seen as a temporary inconvenience and can be remedied by fighting back against treatable side effects. (FYI. Doctors like this form of Storytelling best!)
The problem with this response is that our friend is already overwhelmed and we've just piled on more advice to her already unbearable load, which can be even more complicated if our suggestions are different than that of her medical team of doctors.
Note to self: Exercise EXTREME caution when giving this type of advice.
2. We offer a bandaid to a hemorrhaging wound with a platitude.
"God won't give you more than you can handle."
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
"This is God's plan."
Anytime we attempt to address the whys of suffering or to tell our friend what she can gain from her experience with cancer, we are switching the conversation to Quest Storytelling. While it stems from a desire to empathize, it really is an unhelpful shortcut to help people "get over" their pain. In reality we leave no room for our friend to learn to live with change and loss.
In time, a person may find something positive from their cancer diagnosis, but the sharing of the whys of suffering and the lessons learned should always be initiated from the teller of a sickness story, not the listener. After the teller moves into Qwest Storytelling, the listener can then join in to that style of communication with small steps, extending mercy and grace.
3. We give space for our friend's Chaos Story by listening.
We offer space by not trying to fix a chaos story. While our friend is living in the overwhelming present, we can offer to be there, now, and in the future. We can offer a hug. Hold her hand. Even cry. By doing so, we give room for the hard places of Chaos Storytelling. We can say, "I am so sorry. That's a lot to handle. How are you doing?" (We give room for our friend to feel heard and talk about her feelings.) We can offer realistic, tangible help. (Another blog for another day!)
Maybe even after all that, we still feel paralyzed.
What if I say the wrong thing.
Worse, what if I do the wrong thing.
I have some good news for you.
When you find yourself still caught in that paralyzing moment of hearing a friend share some hard news and you wonder what you should or should not say, this is my ultimate advice:
Kindness can be spoken in every language.
When the dust settles, the person living in a difficult story will remember your intention and your friendship, even if you don't get the words quite right.
And when all else fails:
Simply listen.
Other Posts in the Series:
Take Back Storytelling: Today I am Sick But Tomorrow I Will Be Better
What Luke Skywalker and Frodo Have in Common with Sickness Stories
Keys to Listening to a Sickness Story (That's this post!)