5 Tips to Being a Better Listener in the Overwhelming Now

The Overwhelming Now.

The phrase accurately describes living in this crazy time with the coronavirus pandemic, doesn't it? Every day things change rapidly as we process loss and restrictions. What we thought was true in the morning is not necessarily true three hours later. The Overwhelming Now is also a phrase I used as a cancer survivor when I tried to wrap my brain around an unexpected and unwanted diagnosis.  Sounds like this period in history doesn't it? Except it's not just me,  but an entire world. We are jointly dealing with The Overwhelming Now.I want to share what it's like to live in the Overwhelming Now, something I experienced as a cancer survivor.  I also have 5 tips to share on being a better listener, which is one thing everyone needs to help them cope with the chaos.We might not be able to control much else, but we can create space in our hearts to offer a compassionate ear.

What is the Overwhelming Now?

When talking about The Overwhelming Now, I  use the image of a person in the ocean being smashed by continual waves. Just about the time you feel you have your feet back under you, another wave hits, dragging you under again.There is no future. No past. Only The Overwhelming Now of dealing with the shifting circumstances and all the changes.

• The store is out of toilet paper.
• Where can I buy hand sanitizer?
• The parks are closed.
• I should wear a mask. Where can I get a mask?
• Schools are closed for 2 weeks. For a month. Until next year.
• My business is shut down.
• My elderly parent's facility isn't allowing visitors.

Bam. Bam. Bam. Wave after wave.We are all dealing with losses, one after another, and the grief of those losses adds to the chaos of an interrupted life.

So What Can We Do?

As someone who has helped cancer survivors get their stories on paper, I know one of the best things somebody can do when dealing with The Overwhelming Now is to have a patient listener to their story. A healthy outlet for those in chaos is to tell their stories again and again.But what do you do when EVERYONE is living in chaos, when we are quarantined by ourselves or with family members and everyone needs to have a listener? If you have spent any time on social media, you realize that tens of thousands of people have turned to that platform to process their angst, grief and confusion, making it a place of incredible noise without much compassion.

So how can you become a better listener?

Here are 5 tips.

1. Be Prepared to Hear Stories That Are Messy

Listening to someone talk about The Overwhelming Now is difficult because the story requires telling of the loss of control—something none of us enjoys experiencing or hearing.  As the sharer attempts to make sense of the chaos, they stumble out words, but their sentences are often disjointed and confusing.Storytelling in The Overwhelming Now is all about the mess and chaos. It is emotional, vulnerable, raw, and maybe very angry.

2. Don't Jump in to Fix It.

You may find yourself wanting to jump in and offer advice and bring a happy conclusion to what the speaker is sharing. Don't be surprised at this. Our culture demands that there be an answer for all suffering and inconvenience. We are trained to want to give a solution and to tidy up any loose ends.  Resist. If asked for advice, tread carefully.Instead, give space as a listener by not trying to fix the story. Offer to be there now and in the future. Especially the future. Social distancing may limit our ways to offer support, but we can still say, "I am so sorry. That is a lot to handle. How are you doing?" We can still check in with phone calls, text messages, and video calls. If we are listening at home, we can stop what we are doing, and give our full attention to those who share life under our roof.

3. Remember that Kindness is Your Credential.

We are dealing with our own chaos, so we may be hesitant to be a safe listener for others. We might second-guess our ability to help and struggle with analysis paralysis.What if I say the wrong thing? Worse, what if I do the wrong thing? Since I can't fix the problem, maybe I shouldn't say anything at all. I have some good news for you. When you find yourself still caught in that paralyzing moment of hearing a friend or family member share some hard news and you wonder what you should or should not say, this is my ultimate advice:Kindness is Your Credential.  When in doubt, choose kindness.

4. Create Space For Compassion

Change takes brain space. Grief takes brain space. Survival takes brain space.With all the changes -- from the kids being home, to squishing your office into a corner of your bedroom to losing your job -- compassion and listening can struggle to have space in your suddenly crowded and upside-down world.Limit your time with the news and social media so you have reserves for the people in your life who matter most. Take necessary breaks to refill your own soul as you create space for compassion. And extend grace, especially to yourself, as you realize you are living in a crisis and that sucks up more room inside your heart, mind, and soul than you are aware.

5. Finally, turn to God who Listens.

As a compassionate listener, make sure you find time to transfer the burden of chaos and suffering to our God who listens. Author and therapist K.J. Ramsey has started lighting two candles at the end of her day and prays with her husband during this season of so much grief and chaos.

 She writes, "At the end of the day, we resist the twin temptations of denial and despair by releasing the weight of darkness through both honesty and hope to the only One who can hold it. We hold space for our honest cries to be heard. We hold space for the holiness that God does still dwell among us."Yes. Yes. Yes. Hold space for your own honest cries to be heard. God is listening in The Overwhelming Now.

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If you have been touched by cancer and are interested in being in a group of compassionate listeners as you write your own story, please check out the 6-week online course, Reclaim Your Scattered Story, that begins on April 24. We would love to have you join the next session of brave storytellers.I am currently reviewing two excellent books.I quote K.J. Ramsey in the blog above. Please check out her deeply beautiful and lyrical book, This Too Shall Last: Finding Grace when Suffering Lingers. You can pre-order it now on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Christianbook.com or wherever you buy books.Leslie Leyland Fields' Book, Your Story Matters, releases this week on April 7th. Leslie has been helping people get their stories on paper for three decades. I gleaned incredible material from this book. Order from the publisher, Barnes and Noble, Target, or wherever you order books. For those who purchase her book, Leslie is offering a free online Book Club. She will be leading the group, free of charge. Check out her Facebook page for details. The club begins April 21.At the beginning of April, I began a private FB group, Bible Journaling Through Psalms. We would love to have you jump in. My heart has been encouraged by this incredible group of artists, writers, seekers of God, and lovers of Jesus.Again, join Reclaim Your Scattered Story here. And choose to be a compassionate listener.