Ten Ways To Connect With Your Family During The Teen Years

I asked my husband, "What do we do as a family that opens the door to communication with our kids?"

I asked this question - like all important questions - in the middle of traffic, right when my husband had to make a crucial lane change.

"You couldn't ask me in the past thirty minutes, when all I had to look at was straight roads and boring desert?" my husband asked.

I'm good that way.

I brought up the conversation again after we strapped on backpacks and started up a trail at South Mountain, Mollie tugging on her leash.

We climbed over boulders and talked about communication and points that connect us.

In a world that seeks to separate us, to disconnect us - not always in a bad way -- but just in reality, with people going in different directions and so, so, so many choices, we need to work hard to connect with members of our family.  I mentioned three steps to get your teen to talk in the last blog:

1. Establish routine connecting points.

2. Be a good listener.

3. When your teen wants to talk - drop everything.

I want to explore the first point further.

Routine connecting points can become potential platforms for a conversation. Connection points - like bumps on a lego, (which to be technically correct are called studs,) help hold things we build in place. In the world of legos, it can be castles or spaceships or speed boats. In the world of communication, routine connecting points help hold relationships together.

Ten Ways to Connect With Your Family During the Teen Years:

1. In The Morning.

I set my alarm, even on days my husband takes our son to school, to catch a few moments with him. We talk about schedule, if he needs the car, what is happening later in the day---while he gobbles cereal and stuffs things in a backpack.

2. Family Dinners.

We make family dinners a priority. When the kids were younger, my husband and I adjusted our schedules to be home 3-4 nights a week. Now we work hard for 1-2 nights. My husband and I go over calendars every Sunday and one of the first things we talk about is family dinners. At the dinner table, my husband always asks, "What's one thing I want to know about your day?" He sometimes says, "I didn't want to know that. Tell me something else." Everyone has to contribute to the conversation.

3. In The Evening.

My husband is the After-10:00 pm Parent, waiting for kids to get home from work and outings, when they often want to chatter about their day. Knowing someone is waiting up for you provides a sense of connection and accountability. I try to catch them when they first get home from school.

4. Greetings and Farewells.

It seems so basic, but I try to say Goodbye when the kids leave the house and Hello when they get home. I try to tell them Goodnight when it's bedtime. (I am usually the first one in bed in this house.)

5. Eliminate Distractions. 

Put the phone down. Turn away from the screen. Be present to the people around you.

While eating at a restaurant, I have looked at other tables and have seen the entire group interacting with the world on their phones, totally ignoring the people with whom they are dining. My friends, Sam and Sarah, both try to put their cell phones away when interacting with family or friends, no matter how informal the setting. Sam reminded me the phone is a service YOU pay for and it is there for YOUR benefit and use; if the call is important the caller will leave a message or will call again. We don't need to be slaves to our phones.

6. Share a Routine Interest.

Soccer? Band? A television show?

Enter your teen's world and you might be surprised at what you find to talk about. I have watched many episodes of American Idol with my daughter, where conversations have started with opinions about fashion and Who ever told them they had a good voice? and have progressed to more important thoughts about fame, talent and finding your life passion. Teens will often wait to bring up something that is bothering them during a routine event.

7. Share a Car. 

There is nothing like having a teen share a family vehicle to open up the opportunity for conversations. About schedules. About new dings. About empty gas gauges. About where they are going and who is with them.

8. Communicate About Important Family Events.

Teenagers juggle full schedules - work, sports, school, friends. If you want to cause an argument born out of frustration, expect your teen to be at an important family event you forgot to tell him about. My friend, Vicki, sends emails to her children about important upcoming events so everyone has a record of the communication. Now that we have two married children, a college student and a high school senior, we plan family events like birthday parties and graduations about two months out. Family vacations are put on the calendar six months to one year in advance.

9. Work Toward Common Goals.

When my husband turned 50, our family and 30 friends (we tried for 50 but were unsuccessful), all participated in a mini triathlon. As a family we had to train to compete in the 400 meter swim, the 12 mile bike ride and the 3 mile run. The common goal opened up an opportunity for us to connect in a new way.

10. Spontaneous Fun.

One day our family got into a disagreement about Hostess Ho Hos and Ding Dongs and which were better. (No comments on nutrition, okay?) Unable to decide, we climbed into the car at 10:30 at night, went to the grocery store and had a taste test. I don't remember what the outcome was, but I will never forget the late night grocery run. There's nothing like spontaneous fun to build bonding (and silly memories) in a family.

That's my list. What would you add? How do you find ways to connect in your family?