Three Steps To Get Your Teen To Talk To You

I take off my shoes. I place them in the closet.

He comes in and sits on the edge of the bed.

I take off my earrings and put them on the dresser.

He pets the dog, rubbing her whitened belly.

I go into the bathroom, put on jammies, brush my teeth.

He is still there.

I know this routine. He has come to seek me out, always at bedtime, to talk about something that is on his mind. When he was younger, it was almost every day.

Now, almost grown...I cannot remember the last time.

I climb into bed, prop myself on one elbow and ask,

"How is school."

"Fine."

"How are you doing?"

"Fine."

"Work?"

"Fine."

I ask about several friends.

The dam opens. We talk about struggles and relationships and God and college next year and communication and...

life.

We talk about life.

Occasionally on this journey called parenthood, you step into a moment when you feel like you are doing something right, when the planets are all in alignment and that Atlas-With-The-World-On-His-Shoulders weight -- also known as Parent Guilt--is not settling down to rest between your shoulder blades.

This was one of those moments.

But communication with my children during their teen years has not always been easy.

I have four kids. Two are talkers. Two are not. Three of them, when they hit their teen years, became hermits. They went into their rooms for long periods of time, content to never spend any time with the family, emerging from their caves only with the bribery of free food.

So how do you get your teen to talk to you?

1. Establish Routine Connecting Points

We live in a world that erodes connection as we run in different directions. We have to consciously work at reconnecting. I don't care how much social media is out there, as families, we need to establish routines where we step into each other's spaces and connect, even briefly. The routines may seem simple and trivial, but they need to be a priority as we work to maintain relationships with our teens

.Routine connecting points can become potential platforms for a conversation. If you don't stay connected in routine ways with your teen, he will be less likely to bring up something that is non-routine.

2. Be a Good Listener

As a parent, it is so tempting to give your teen the benefit of all your years of experience. Resist, resist, resist. Ask open-ended questions. Don't be judgmental. Provide a listening ear.

Don't be shocked by what comes out of your teen's mouth as he is learning to be an independent thinker. Part of growing up is trying on new ideas.

I have had conversations about politics, sexuality, forgiveness, lost friendships, what it means to follow God, trafficking, and my opinions on the death penalty (my daughter was eight at the time.)

Now, I don't always have meaningful conversations. I have also had endless monologues on who broke up with whom, a scene-by-scene description of a movie I could care less about, listened to a diatribe on why their teachers were stupid and heard petitions that would make a negotiator proud on why they should be allowed to stay up past curfew.

3. When Your Teen Wants to Talk - Drop Everything.

A friend once told me, when we were first entering the teen years, that when your teen wants to talk, you give them your full attention, even if you are in the middle of something or you need to go to sleep.

Twenty-eight years into this parenting thing, let me tell you this:

It is always when you are in the middle of something or you need to go to sleep.

Listen anyway. Talk anyway. Drop everything.

Your teen is making an attempt to connect with you.

And that is pretty incredible

.So, I'm curious, I started a list about how we as a family stay connected in a disconnected world. I'm going to post the list on Wednesday. But I want to hear from you. How do you stay connected to your kids? Or your spouse? Or to friends?

I think disconnection is a huge problem in our culture. I'd like to explore it together.