When Someone You Love Has a Cancer

Discovering that someone you love has a chronic illness can be difficult. I describe the day my mother told me she had cancer as a body slam, sucker punch, knock-the-wind-right-out-of-me day.

No matter how you package it, knowing how to respond and what to do can be challenging.

Here are a few things that I have found helpful when I find myself struggling with fear, overwhelmedness (this should be a word!), and the feelings of paralysis in not knowing how to help those I love who have been diagnosed with a chronic illness or who are dealing with chronic pain.

1. Have A Listening Ear.

We all have a story and sometimes the biggest gift we can give someone who has chronic illness or pain is to just listen as they process things out loud. After a diagnosis, they might have friends who avoid them altogether, who change the subject or who stand mute because they are worried they will say the wrong thing.

Rather than ask, "How are you feeling?", ask "What are you feeling?" Then be prepared to listen to what they have to say, no matter what that is. Often a person with a chronic disease feels isolated. If you can be a friend who is a good listener, you are offering an invaluable service.

Listening means different things to different people. I connect with my parents via phone and email. My dad is content with short conversations. My mom and I can talk for hours about her flowers, the details of her diagnosis, people who live in my home town, and how she is coping. My daughter, who is dealing with undiagnosed pain, has times when she is tired of talking about it. She has agreed to text me, so I know when she is having a bad day.

2.  Give the Gift of Time.

Offer to sit with someone during doctor visits or treatment. Go on errands. Help with the kids. Bring in meals.

It's helpful to offer something specific: "I'm heading to the store, what are a few things I can pick up for you?"

I live thousands of miles from my parents who are both battling cancer. One offer that gave me peace of mind was when one of their friends emailed me with contact info with instructions to call her day or night if I was concerned about anything in regard to my mom and dad. I immediately put her number in my phone.

3. Be Encouraging.

Encouragement does not mean you need to plaster a Disneyland-this-is-the-happiest-place-on-earth smile on your face. You don't need to try to make them feel good when they are having a bad day. Rather, it's staying available while giving people the space to be real about their emotions.

When I was being treated for cancer, I found the most encouraging people were those who treated me like the person I was before my cancer diagnosis, who invited me to talk about normal life and those who gave me hope that there was life beyond the disease.

4. Educate Yourself.

You don't need to get on Amazon or run to the library and pick out six books on your friend's disease, but it is helpful to understand some of the basics, to do minimal research so you can understand what their treatment will entail and what they are talking about.

WARNING: It is true that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Doing a little research does not make you a medical expert. Resist, resist, resist the urge to give medical advice.

My daughter has threatened to wear a sign that says, "I will listen to your medical advice if you pay me $5, then at least I can go buy cookies to make me happy."

5. Pray.

I pray when I need the power of God to intersect the weakness of this human condition. Lately, my list has been very long.

I often don't know what to do, what to say, or how to help my friends and family members with illness or pain.

But I can pray.

So how about you? What have you found helpful if you are a person with a chronic illness?

What have you found helpful as a friend or family member of someone who is ill?