What To Say to Someone with Cancer

From my journal.

Day 12 after my breast cancer diagnosis.

June 2009

I found this note on my pillow one evening.

“You should read this book.  It’s good.”

Scribbled by my son, Zach

part of his processing

because how do you talk to your mom about her breast cancer when you are only 14. (How do you talk about it, no matter what age you are?)

The note was attached to a book, a young adult novel, by Jordan Sonnenblick, Drums, Girls and Dangerous Pie, about a teenager, Steven, and his life with his younger brother, Jeffrey, who has leukemia.

Excellent read.

And a door opener of conversation with my son. About cancer. About life.

About my cancer.

I highly recommend it.

In one section of the book, Steven talks about rating the visitors who come to see them as cheery or frowny.  They would look out the window and he would give a running commentary for his brother, anything to make Jeffery laugh.  “You may be right, little man.  We are due for a cheery, right about now.  But she’s looking a bit nervous; I’ll bet you a buck she’s gonna be a frowner.” (P. 88).

I am only twelve days into my diagnosis, but I already realize you need to keep a sense of humor with this whole thing, or you are going to end up being really ticked off at some people.  Because, let's face it, folks mean well, but bringing up cancer is a real downer to a conversation and in their attempts to empathize, people can just bumble along, making some very awkward comments.  So, in an attempt to keep some humor, I've decided to keep track of some thumbs up and thumbs down moments with cancer.

Two thumbs way up for all those who shared, “I am a cancer survivor.”

Two thumbs way down to all those who felt obligated to share how their mom/aunt/second cousin three times removed died from this type of cancer. . . at least, they think it was this type of cancer.

Two thumbs up for my parents who were here when I got the news.  Who cried with me.  Who prayed with me.  And then cleaned my kitchen.

Two thumbs up for the friend who emailed, “You BET I’ll pray.  I HATE cancer and that makes me MAD.  And since I’m MAD, I’ll pray all the harder.”  Thank you to friends who gave me permission to be angry. To the friend who said, “You can shout at me anytime you want to.”

Two thumbs down for the friend who upon hearing the news, immediately replied, “This is why I never give money to cancer research.  They still haven’t found a cure.”

Two thumbs up for my son’s teacher who lent a listening ear.

Two thumbs up for my friend who called me from India, who wanted to talk to me.  And my husband.

Two thumbs up for our community of faith at Trinity Christian Fellowship who shared scriptures with us and prayed for us.

Two thumbs up for the friend who when I said I would be left with a scar and a large “dimple” after the surgery, wrote back, “Well I always thought dimples were cute.”

Two thumbs down for those who made me question and doubt the decisions we made with my doctor.

Two thumbs up for J who offered to show me her scar.

Two thumbs down to the friend who declared, “I just hate dealing with medical stuff like this, don’t you?  It’s as bad as getting new tires on the car.”

Two thumbs up for M. who reminded me that God would be with me in the fiery furnace (i.e. radiation that can cause burns) just like he was with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednigo.  That thought sustained me. (See Daniel 3)

Two thumbs down for the person who wrote that I would not have cancer if I avoided the following:

1.  Toxic relationships 2.  Negative emotions 3.  Stress or exhaustion

Two thumbs up for my sister who immediately went and had a mammogram.

Two thumbs up for those who called, prayed and sent encouraging emails.

Two thumbs way up for those who also asked about my husband and kids, who realized cancer didn't just touch me, but all those who loved me.

Do you have any two thumbs up or two thumbs down experiences to add?